No Creative Stream Thursday, June 3rd || My Chaotic Creativity.

RPG Thursday at 9pm EST should still be happening; I'll be playing more Hyperdimension Neptunia!

Edit: I’ve been informed by a friend on Twitter that Thursday is in fact the 3rd, not the 2nd. I've changed the blog post title now, but uh, yeah, oops.

I thought I'd just provide a quick heads up that I'm canceling tomorrow morning's creative stream. I'm hoping to use the time to relax, and potentially do some story writing. It's been a little bit since I last wrote for my works on AO3, and I think it would be good for me to take the occasional day to vibe creatively on my own.

These creative streams have already done wonders in terms of keeping me motivated. I've made more progress on my creative projects in the past week than I have in the past 2 months. But ultimately I am more driven by creative spontaneity, rather than operating on strict schedules.

I expect there to be many random creative stream cancelations like this in the future, just as a natural consequence of this chaotic nature of mine.

Chaotic. That's an apt description.

I've been trying for most of my life, though especially so in the past year, to harness my creativity. To bend it to my own whims, and tell it when to go. I wasn't even doing so out of a desire to eventually make an income off my work.

Sure, it would be nice for the things I love to do to be able to sustain my living expenses. I'd be lying if I said that I felt no drive to eventually leverage my work like that in some way; after all, that would only make it easier to continue spending my life creating things.

But no, I'm more focused on how creating things makes me feel. My brain is constantly playing out scenes, inventing worlds, characters, and adventures. Yet, without any form of order, all of that creativity would simply begin and end its life while still inside my head, and that's just… less fun. It's less fun for me, and it's less fun for anyone who might enjoy or derive some meaning from whatever I might end up creating.

An artistic medium, for me, just feels like a way of formalizing all of the chaos going on inside my skull into something I can share with other people. And I just want to keep doing that until the end of time. But, if I want to have any hope of continuing that dream, sometimes I'll have to embrace the spontaneity and the chaos, instead of always trying to tie it down.

This seems to be the fundamental struggle of my existence, and one which I've overlooked for quite a long time. Will the balloon get away from me, leaving me without it for months, or will I refuse to let it fly, allow it to stagnate, and, eventually, wither and deflate.

Now that I've finally recognized this inner turmoil, I can only hope that I'm more equipped to manage it, and that I'm able to continue making sense of the noise and static in my head for any who want to take a peek.